Definition of a Stalker, A Sociopath, Etc.

I’m including a definitions page because there are several types of toxic people that may be affecting you, and a sociopath is just one type.  Here are a few definitions to be aware of:

Definition of one type of Stalker:

  • Won’t take no for an answer
  • Has an obsessive personality
  • Above average intelligence – not necessarily “book smart”
  • No or few personal relationships
  • Lack of embarrassment or discomfort at
    actions (pay attention to how he treats the waitress, the cashier, etc)
  • Low self esteem
  • Sociopathic thinking
  • Has a mean streak (may not be directly towards you – at first)

Definition of a Sociopath as taken from Merriam-Webster online dictionary:

A person who behaves in a dangerous or violent way towards other people and does not feel guilty about such behavior.

(Of course this is a watered down and simplistic definition and the characteristics of a sociopath are clearer)

DSM-IV Definition

Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.

Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)

1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the rights of others, those rights considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:

      A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.                                            

     B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.                                                                                                      

     C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.                                            

     D. Repeated assaults on others.                                                            

     E. Reckless when it comes to their own or others safety.                    

     F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.      

     G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.

2. At least eighteen years in age.

3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.

4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder.

 

OTHER CHARACTERISTICS TO BE AWARE OF:

  • Glibness & Superficial Charm
  • Manipulative & Conning – They see their behavior as permissible, can appear to be very charming. They are actually very covert about their hostility and domineering desires.  They strive to dominate and humiliate whenever possible.
  • Grandiose Sense of Self; Sense of Entitlement
  • Pathological Lying – It is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis.  They even believe themselves and are quite convincing.
  • Lack of Remorse, Guilt, or Shame – Instead of true friends they have victims/targets or accomplices who become victims.
  • Shallow Emotions – What appears to be love, joy, compassion, or heartfelt is merely feigned emotions and serves as an ulterior motive.  They are not genuine, therefore neither are their promises.
  • Need for Stimulation or Living on the Edge – May have verbal outbursts, be promiscuous, or gamble frequently.
  • Lack of Empathy – They feel contempt for the emotions of others, or those in distress and will readily take advantage of them.
  • Poor Behavioral Control with an Impulsive Nature – They strive to create hopelessness/helplessness in their victims.  They believe they are all-knowing, entitled to their every wish; no matter the expense of others.  They have no sense of personal boundaries and no concern of their impact upon others.
  • Early Behavior Problems – They have a history of behavioral and academic issues yet get by via conning others.  They have problems making and keeping true friendships.  There may be cruelty to animals and people, stealing, setting fires, etc.
  • Irresponsibility and Unreliability – They have no concern for wrecking others lives and dreams.  They are indifferent to the devastation they cause and will not accept blame; instead they will blame others, usually the very ones they have destroyed.
  • Lack of a Realistic Life Plan or Parasitic Lifestyle – They tend to move a lot or will live off others; exploiting and using to any extent possible. They have a poor work ethic and cannot keep a job for long without being “found out”.
  • Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility – They will change their image accordingly in order to avoid being discovered or prosecuted.  They will change their life story as needed for any given situation or circumstance. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                           **Disclaimer – I am not a professional psychiatrist and am not trained to diagnose others.  Be very careful when applying labels to other people, whether you think it may be true or not.  It can be dangerous for you to tell a sociopath that you think they are a sociopath, particularly if they have a history or propensity toward violent behavior.

49 Responses to Definition of a Stalker, A Sociopath, Etc.

  1. Pat says:

    I posted a long time ago. Thought the site had disappeared. Glad to see it hasn’t. I am still living with my 27 year old step-son. What I want to know: My husband and I have rules in the house. When my step-son decides to break the rules, he always says he forgot. He also has chores to somewhat compensate for costs of housing and feeding him (he hasn’t had a steady job in about four years). If he doesn’t get his chores accomplished, he says he forgot or he didn’t know we meant doing them every day. Is this some sort of head game or does he really forget?

    • Peace247 says:

      Hi Pat, First I’m wondering, is your step son fully functioning and capable? If he is, then it’s appropriate to expect him to contribute to the household, especially at his age. It depends on your relationship and how long you have been his step mom, but I would really suggest that you and your husband identify the expectations and the consequences. Perhaps it’s time for some “tough love”. If your step son is truly not capable of functioning on his own, it’s still okay to have household expectations in place and a plan for reaching out to community service agencies for help. I truly wish you the best of luck and hope you have some joy in your life.

  2. Cheryl says:

    Ok I read your definitions and characteristics of a sociopath I truely believe my brother is one. My parents used to blame his bad behavior on his asthma but now we are in our 50’s and I still deal with the madness. at early childhood he had violent outburst he stole he lied and he bullied anyone who was passive he new who he could bully. He turned to drugs at a young age around 13 and went to prison for robbery. through the years he has manipulated my parents he has told them he was dying and only had 6 months to live several times. We are now in our 50 and things have not changed much/ He is now a meth user and he is still violent and manipulative. I have tried to help him with no success. I am and always have been afraid of him as he threatens to kill me or hurt me in some way. I have talked to the police and there is nothing they can do. What does a person do to deal with this madness?

    • Peace247 says:

      Hi Cheryl, Thanks for commenting and visiting the site. I understand how scary and frustrating it must be for you. Does your brother ever show remorse? I know it’s so difficult to do, especially because this person is your brother, but I really would encourage you to keep as much as distance as possible for your own sanity. If he really is a sociopath there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him change. I wish you the very best of luck.

  3. i HAD NEVER HEARD OF THE TERM SOCIOPATH UNTILL I MET A MAN THREE YEARS AGO. HE WINED AND DINED ME IN THE BEGINNING AND BECAUSE I WAS COMING OFF OF A BAD RELATIONSHIP I WAS SUFFERING FROM LOW SELF ESSTEAM AND I BELIEVED EVERY WORD HE TOLD ME. I READ UP ABOVE THE TERMS OF A SOCIOPATH AND HE MATCHED ALMOST ALL OF THEM. I HAVE BEEN PUT THROUGH HECK AND AT TIMES I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING CRAZY. I COULD GO ON AND ON OF THE THINGS HE DID TO ME. I GUESS MY QUESTION IS HOW DO I GET THIS MAN OUT OF MY MIND AND START OVER. EVERY TIME I THINK I HAVE GOTTEN RID OF HIM HE SHOWS BACK UP IN MY LIFE. PLEASE HELP

    • Peace247 says:

      It is very difficult. Do you have ties to him somehow? Children, marriage, home, etc.? If not, you have to be strong and avoid ALL contact. Do not answer his calls, do not respond to messages, do not agree to meet with him. Cutting ALL ties is the best option. It may be painful and you might even miss him, but in order to gain a sense of yourself back, it’s so necessary. Feel free to write again, we all need support!

  4. Kath says:

    My sister is the sociopath who has taken great delight in isolating me from the rest of the family.

    However, she is well disguised. Has held down a job as a physiotherapist for the last 15 years. Only works 2 part time days a week so is not exactly exhausted at the end of the week.

    She was ALWAYS very academically bright, extremely skillful in many, many things. Also, very beautiful looking and VERY charismatic. I used to be so very proud to be her sister…at least I thought I was.

    She must have been finding things too easy ie too easy putting me down, ruining my reputation amongst the family, making sure my sense of self worth was always running on low etc because she actually admitted it all to me 7 yrs ago. Said she’d being doing all that for as long as she could remember. Said she’d been doing it to her husband. I can now easily see she also does it to her younger daughter.

    She had and has NO remorse. Denies she ever told me such a thing. Makes out to the rest of the family that I’m a lying, manipulator when it is actually she who is.

    Over the last 7 years, I am now able to see her deep coldness in many, many ways. I have a list as long as my arm of the outrageously cold hearted things she does to people. Would make this too long so won’t list them unless someone requests me to. Anyway, all these things I previously wouldn’t have noticed or questioned…just as her husband and daughter don’t notice. The rest of the family are unaware. However, my father was starting to seriously question her honesty just before he passed away 4 years ago.

    She isolates and then dominates. Likes to be ‘top dog’ in the popularity stakes within the family.

    Doesn’t have any close friends. She only has people she can ‘control’. Just after she told me about what she does to me, I asked her about a ‘so called’ friend from the next house. “Oh” she said, “I have complete control of it”. And she does have control.

    Her poor husband has noone except her. She tried isolating my 87 year old mother but I stepped in and have stopped that.

    Anyone who has been targeted by a sociopath like this should try and remember…they might be very, very clever but hey, we’re clever too. Don’t ever forget it. These people leave you feeling like a complete loser. But we’re not losers. We just might be more clever than they are.

    Many articles make sociopaths out to be law breaking, stalking, weirdos. They so often don’t come across like that. My sister did get done for shop lifting ‘big time’ when she was a teenager. Stole sound equipment, not just some tiny thing.

    Otherwise, she looks like she has a totally squeeky clean record.

    She and I both know she is anything but squeeky clean.

    They take on individuals who are very honest and decent. Honest decent people can often be rather nieve. Worth remembering because it’s a real compliment. It’s a lesson for us all ie take greater care in who we align ourselves with. Put our cleverness to greater use.

    Good luck though. If you take one on you’ve got your work cut out, even if you are as clever (or more clever) than him/her.

    • Peace247 says:

      Hi Kath, Thanks for commenting and for visiting the site. Your sister sounds very difficult to deal with. I hope you can limit the contact as much as possible for your own sanity. Sociopaths are very “slippery” and often blend in, until you have known them for a while. Utilize any healthy support system that you can and best of luck.

      • Kath says:

        Hi,

        Since trying to deal with my sister, and I think I’m losing…she has me totally isolated from the family, even mum now.

        What I’ve come to realise is this, those of us who are attractive to sociopathic types ie those of us who are gentle, genuine, and honest must have a plan of action for times when we might get a gut feeling of unease about someone. If we’ve attracted one sociopath, odds are we’ve attracted others and/or will attract others. I have.

        I now take notice of my gut feelings. As soon as I have any type of negative gut feeling I do a number of things. 1. I acknowledge the gut feeling. 2. I have a very brief (but highly effective) meditative process I use immediately to dissolve any toxic connection between us. This is an amazingly powerful exercise, only takes a moment and leaves you feeling confident and safe somehow…amazing. 3. I make sure to stay as far away as possible from them without it being obvious ie I’m friendly and polite, smile and say hello but don’t engage them if I don’t have to. 4. If I do have to engage with them, I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER disclose ANYTHING about myself, my family, my history. The only things I might say (and only NOT to look evasive) would be very inane things.

  5. Confused says:

    I have found this sight so helpful thus far, but I still have a few questions.
    Can and will a sociopath change…ever?
    Can a sociopath be controlled by a parent with the same issue?
    Why can’t I find it in my heart to leave him to a life of loneliness and never knowing true love?
    Now let me share my story. I am a gay man. I met my ex at work where I was his supervisor. We are 7 years apart me being the elder. I had been in a solid relationship with a good man for 3yrs prior to meeting him. Needless to say I left that to pursue a relationship with my “dream man.”
    In the beginning he was sweet ,charming, and open with me. He felt that he wasn’t equal to me in many ways. I reassured him I view him as nothing less and that he is worth being equal, he may even be better than me.
    On our first few dates I started to notice something strange. One one of these he went into a dressing room and stole a shirt by putting it on under the one he was wearing. When we left he flaunted it proudly and became upset when he saw I was displeased. He told me it wasn’t bad and that it wasn’t stealing from a person it was taking from a company that already had too much. To me it was a moral issue and the more i pushed it on him that was my issue the more upset he became. On another date he became upset and badgered a waitress until we received a free meal. All because his cheese cake wasn’t fully thawed. The waitress left upset and I explained to him that it wasn’t her fault and she shouldn’t be reamed for it. Yet he was unable to see my point.
    It came to a point where his mother was relocating across the country. I told him he should go with her despite our love it was likely best. He was animate about staying, so he did. Shortly after I quit my job and had no income. He moved into an apartment with me that cost over $10k for me to repair. I lived off of my life savings and supported him as well. He continued to work part-time. He also had limited contact with his mother who was very passive yet controlling. After a few months a close family member of mine fell ill. I found myself an emotional mess. During this time we fought often, and it became physical at times. I have to admit most of the time I was the aggressor, and it was wrong. I felt terrible about it and still do.
    I could never get this man to look me in the eye. Never help him to see that maybe what he was doing and treating people was wrong. The thing that frustrated me the most is that emotionally I was starved by him.
    Needless to say when I was at my lowest financially and emotionally he left me to fend for myself, and moved with his mother. For nearly a month he refused to talk,text or see me. There was nothing that provoked it as our personal relationship had become more loving than it had been in a long time. He showed effort again. On night after a conversation with his mother that all changed.
    Over time I was able to work through my issues realizing the root was in a need to feel values and appreciated by him, and learn to do the same for myself. I contacted him and we began talking as friends.
    (I met another man…something I never thought would happen, and he was great!) I had planned a trip to visit with my ex and his mother strictly as friends. He constantly needed to know that my only reason for going was to be his friend. I assured him and that’s what I did.
    By the time I left we had somehow managed to fall back in love…or so I thought. The only issue I had there was I became upset for the the way he spoke to a store clerk who asked him for his ID. It was like the waitress all over again. I returned home and due to an accident we were in he was legally bound to stay. An accident he says wasn’t his fault and he is fighting. He was driving while drunk and hit a pole. He claims he doesn’t know if he was driving. I can safely say he wasn’t that intoxicated, so much as to black out. He called daily and told me that he wanted to try again. That as soon as things were straightened out he would be back home with me. He requested i break off my new relationship to prove that I wanted another chance with him. So I did.
    One month in he became distant over night after speaking with his mother.
    While I was there I watched her interactions with her new boyfriend. I couldn’t help but notice the similarities between her son and her. Even the way mother and son interact was strange. Never showing real emotion towards each other, yet they appear to be close. They are one in the same…
    Needless to say after talking and texting all day everyday. After planing his move back and the next steps we would take in life together he told me he wouldn’t come back. It crushed me…I cried and tried to talk to him, but all he can say is he doesn’t know why it changed and that he needs time and space. Yet he insist on contacts me and continues to say there is a possibility when I know there isn’t in his mind.
    It is hard to include everything here without writing a book, but these are the basics.
    In two short years he has turned me from a successful confident man into a shadow….Yet I feel I love this man too much to just let him go live a lonely life….I want to warm his heart…
    Is it me? Is it the age difference? …or am I still making excuses for him?

    • Peace247 says:

      Dear Confused, Take some time for yourself. If this other man is indeed a sociopath, it is best to distance yourself as much as possible. It may be hard and you may feel lonely, but it is the only way to get some perspective. If this other man is not a sociopath, the relationship is still toxic and unhealthy. If you are with someone who doesn’t incite you to be your very best you, then it is probably not the best relationship for you. The same goes for you; if you don’t desire to bring out the best in your partner, then it’s not the right partner.

      To answer your questions – If he is a sociopath can he change? The answer is no, plain and simple. Can a sociopath be controlled by a parent with the same issue? Probably not, although the parent might think so. It’s all a “game” to see who wins. Why can’t you leave him? Is it you? Are you making excuses for him? Well, you CAN leave him, it just takes time, desire to better yourself and your life, and courage. No, it’s not you, although it’s always good to be introspective and find your own issues. Yes, you are probably making excuses for him, instead of focusing on yourself. It’s never too late.

      I know you will get through, thanks for visiting this site and come back when you need to.

  6. Bent but not Broken says:

    Just left a 3 month relationship that I thought was incredible. She was young, beautiful, intelligent, fun, into all the same things I was, amazing in bed… I think you get the picture. At first it seemed like Romeo and Juliet, Something happened and I was head over heels, but then I found out… about the other men and I started to see some of the manipulation, and fo4r some reason stuck with it, even though I could see she was playing games. Romeo and Juliet turned into Great Expectations, and I was being broken and turned into a crazy person, or a slave. I should have walked away then. Hell I should have walked away at the first lie! I didnt really believe it all until I saw her interact with other people, then I saw the chameleon, changing her personality, seducing people right in front of me, and all the lies came rushing out. But Great expectations has now turned into a Nine Inch Nails album, as I’m awaiting the results of my HIV test, hoping that I am wrong about what her game really was.

    Believe it or not, I now think that she had my cell phone hacked to intercept phone calls, listen in on my conversations, and get my text messages and emails. There are too many coincidences like this where she knows what I’m doing, what Ive said to other people, certain timings, etc. I also belive she has made a copy of my house and car key, and has been sending me ‘warnings’ by messing with my lights or unlocking my doors, both in my house and car ever since I mentioned on the phone to a couple people that I suspect whats going on, I’m not playing along, and I’m thinking of going to the police. I really feel like I’m in the middle of some incredibly scary game. The worst part is I have a suspicion she is not alone. I believe she may have a partner in this.

    Two weeks after I broke off contact with her, she’s already having sex (unprotected) with one of my friends who didnt know about us… and I’m trying to save him from her web, but theres only so much I can do. At least the phone calls and text messages have ended. Hopefully for good, but something tells me this is just begining.

    • Peace247 says:

      Dear Bent But Not Broken ~ So many of the things you are saying are very familiar. We all realize at some point that we “should have….” Usually when you become involved with toxic, manipulating, sociopaths, they weave a strong web so as to make it as difficult as possible for their targets to run like heck. You are lucky to have only been involved for three months, although I realize the repercussions can be long lasting and sometimes very permanent.

      I understand exactly what you are talking about as far as the cell phone tracking and copying of keys. It is a scary game and the sociopath feeds on playing it until they “win”. You are right about only being to do so much to protect your friend or anyone else. They usually don’t believe you until it’s too late for them too. The best thing for you to do is to not respond at all to any type of communication.

      I wish you the very best and am hoping for your HIV test to be negative.

      • Bent but not Broken says:

        Thanks Peace. My tests came back negative, so I am pretty sure I’m OK on that front, though not 100% convinced. It’s been a huge challenge to leave her, I find myself convincing myself that I was wrong about her and it can work. I was such a strong person just 4 months ago, and I always knew up from down and right from wrong. Now I’m in shambles, coming out of a 2 month nervous breakdown finally with some of the scariest things that have ever happened to me. My freinds think Im being paranoid about the cell phone bugging and house breakins, but I cant shake the feeling that I’m right, no matter how crazy it seems. And the worse part is I still miss her and want to call her and pretend its ok. What is wrong with me? I still can’t believe it all happened.

        • Peace247 says:

          Dear Bent, It is so very important to listen to your “gut instincts”. It doesn’t matter if your friends and family think you are being paranoid, what matters is how you feel. As hard as it may seem you will be even stronger in the end if you can maintain the boundary of NO CONTACT. Nothing, nada, zilch. You can do it.

          • Bent but not Broken says:

            It has continued to be very difficult. I feel I am finally coming out of this, but there are still so many questions left unanswered. I know the breakdown was caused by paranoia from Chantix and Ambien. She has not contacted me since, and I feel tremendous guilt over how I left things. I think about her constantly, obsessively even. I am consumed with thoughts that I was wrong, that she wasnt a sociopath, and I should apologize for my part in this. I write in a journal, write her letters I don’t send, nothing really works to make me feel better.

  7. sue70 says:

    After much research i have finally realized my husband was a sociopath.He died in a car accident 2 years ago and ever since his socipathic mother wont leave me alone.My husband and I have a daughter which my mother in law is fixated on trying to turn aganist me and I believe she wants custody of her as well.My daugter wants nothing to do with her but I make her talk to her on the phone for fear that if she feels like she has no control she will put us both thru hell.I moved 200 miles to get away from her.She does know my address.Should I move and change my phone numbers?She has threatened to “beat the shit”out of my daughter,told my daughter she was “the abusive one”to her father,she was 6 by the way when she was abusing her father,she didnt go put her shoes on fast enough so he would slap her in the back of the head or pinch her.Im not really sure what to do?

    • Peace247 says:

      Dear Sue, It’s good that you have moved far from the woman who would try to blame a six year old for abuse of a parent…..any parent. If your daughter feels no strong ties to this woman and there is not a relationship to maintain, you should absolutely not be subjecting your daughter to be spoken to in such a way. You must protect your daughter and yourself. It sounds like you have healing to do and setting boundaries can start you on the process. Be strong and seek out positive support. I wish you the best.

      • Sue says:

        Thank you for your response.I thought when I first posted nothing would come out of it.I feel so much better.Reading everyones stories and realizing Im not alone out there brings me alot of hope.I will have my daughter start setting boundries for her grandmother.I know it wont work but my daughter I think still has hope she will change one day,her Dad never did.I will cut all ties to her.I am going to seek cousel for myself and my daughter as well.Thank you so much for responding it means alot to me.:)

        • Peace247 says:

          You are very welcome. It has helped me as well, to know that there are so many other people out there experiencing similar situations. I feel so bad for your daughter. I recognize the “hope that things will change” thinking/feeling. It is hard to let go of that and it may be her connection to a father that is no longer there (even if he was not a good or healthy person). Feel free to come back for support whenever you need it.

          • wishing it was a dream says:

            Hello there…… I have been with a crazy person for the last 12 yrs and really only known him for the past 2 maybe 3 years…. i have discovered he was the one that broke into my home years ago…. an then he has returned the items a little at a time … he has always mistreated waitresses and sales clerks which myself being in the service industry was very disturbing. Not wantin to tip, no eye contact with them waiting on me to ingage with these employees etc. He recently screamed at me after dinner in the restaurant parking lot and told me he was tired of me second guessing his actions… he had used my truck to run errands that day an when i viewed the inside of the truck when i met him for dinner me in my car …….he had stolen someones garbage an a bicycle was in the truck as well…. he was caught by me years ago going thru my garbage by the neighbor, when she called me at work an told me he was outside my home going thru my garbage. I passed it off as i don’t know what in my mind but all these incidents have come full circle now with this last incident at restaurant…. after the screaming match in the parking lot. I removed the keys from the ignition and reminded him to calm down and that it was my truck in my name and i wanted no stealing in my truck He took off out of the parking lot and left on foot. Me , there now with 2 vehicles.. to drive home. We are married and he has cut me off the financial bank accounts about a yr ago… i left the country to go on a mission trip and when i returned he claimed he was hacked etc….. an stopped payment on the checks i had wrote etc….. i honestly am afraid of him. i HATE HIM, ITS all i can do to just be around him . He drives a truck an has gotten crazier with that profession, but i am sure now its always been there… i am just seeing it now, maybe i was afraid to see it. i have beaten myself up now for days over all this. I don’t know my legal rights concerning abandonment issues or if he is just watching me without my knowledge. I want to stay home now an just protect my home Help Me please what should i do? I don’t know if i can pay all these household bills without his help and i am sure that is what he wants . What kind of man/husband want s to torment someone they are suppose to love ?

  8. Kath says:

    Hey Sue,

    My sister is a sociopath and has got me almost totally isolated from the whole family. She’s cool, calm, comes across as ‘ever-so-gentle and clever. Man is she clever. I used to be so proud of her when we were growing up. So….my point, if you know in your gut that there’s a possibility of the mother-in-law having sociopathic tendencies, RUN!!!

    If you know you’re a sincere, genuine well intended person, that’s the type of people they hone in on. So although I now try to remember it’s a compliment to have their attention, it’s altogether TOO DIFFICULT to try dealing with them. They totally drain the very soul out of you. Leave you feeling like a wilted loser.

    Wherever, and whenever possible, stay the hell away from them. Not always possible I know but I also try and remember that they’re not the only ones who are clever. So are we…

    • Sue says:

      Im sorry Kath you had to go through that.I know family is an important part of who we are.I am starting to realize at my age and all the stuff I have been through that family or not if thier a negative part of your life its best to leave it behind.Thank you for responding.Its nice to have some emotional support in life.:)

    • Bent but not Broken says:

      It does appear that sociopathy/psychopathy have a heritable component, though it’s not absolute. So you’re right: If I parent appears that way, run away. Too often though I would imagine you would see it from the person you’re in the relationship with first, as you need to spend time with them to see it. It helps to see them interact with other people, I’ve heard. That’s when i really started to question things, myself.

  9. Verity says:

    I strongly suspect my fiance is a sociopath. He is a sucessful, self employed businessman. I met him through a mutual friend at a festival and was straight away told a dramatic story of woe regarding the turbulent break up with his ex. He claimed that she had down trodden him ever since they had their daughter and deviously spent considerable amounts of his money. At the time she was still living in the house he owned and he was tring to get her to leave. I didn’t he from him for a while then he got back in touch and offered to pick me up. He drove me to his house that he had recently ‘recovered’ and told me how she had trashed the place before leaving.

    The next few encounters were like a whirlwind. He was on a complete charm offensive. He wined and dined me, took me on an expensive holiday and had no end of explosive sex. We didn’t use contraception and he knew I wasn’t on the pill. This wasn’t outrightly spoke about until he mentioned something about the ‘dolphins knowing i was pregnant’. I was suprised and flattered that a clearly very hansome, wealthy man had wanted to be involved with me so deeply.

    He proposed to me after the first scan. During this time he was involved with his ex in a court case apparently because she had deliberately put thousands into his account to appear as though she had paid towards an extension on the house. He told me how wholly currupt and calculating she had been about this. Even taking me to court with him, heavily pregnant, to ‘show support’. I now suspect he took me to torment his ex who had only more recently than he claimed, separated from him.

    After the case, he was elated saying how happy he was to be free of her and how we could live happily etc. At 27 weeks pregnsnt I started getting severe pain up one of my legs. The pain kept increasing and a midwife diagnosed me with sciatica. My fiance wasn’t particularly caring about my situation, claiming he hsd work commitments. On one occasion I called him to come round because the pain was getting unbearable and he csme over and tried coming on to me. I was in a lot of pain but complied with his wishes. He had sex with me then rushed off, claiming he had to go to work. As the pain got unbearable, I ended up staying on my parents sofa for a week. I asked if my fiance would pay for me to get some kind of treatment but he skirted round my desperate request. It was then discovered i had a life threatening dvt after I paid (with no income) to see a physio. When i was in hospital he showed up with his daughter which i said was inappropriate but he said he had no choice. I was told i would have to inject clexane for remainder of pregnancy and he said he would help me do it as it was very daunting. He didn’t show up when he was meant to help and instead said he was busy buying himself a rolex.

  10. Verity says:

    I have maybe made this post too long. To summurize other abusive behaviours which occured over the course of 3 years. He refused to spend time with my son and would leave when he was around so I had to cope with our other two daughters, both under 2 alone. He would say he wouldn’t want to meet my friends and that i was a slut so couldnt trust me with male friends. He would go out on many occasions leaving to cope alone. Outrightly deying this and claiming he would always get kids to sleep first (NEVER). He won’t tell me that I smell and then house was unlivable because I was too lazy to clean. I’very been running mysrlf into the ground trying to look after three kids on my own and keep yhe house to his standards. If it wasn’t tidy enough,he would refuse to come back.

    • Peace247 says:

      How difficult this must be for you to verbally and emotionally abused while trying to care for small children alone. Isolation makes everything seem even harder. I hope you have family or good friends that you can reach out to.

  11. Debbie Johnson says:

    email me before you marry anyone who is never sorry for any wrongdoings, any badmouthing, any criticizing. Watch their behaviors and patterns with other people besides you. He will be anti-social and claim he only wants to be with you. ya right. Marry no one chronically…and I have now discovered…patholigically lies to you and others. You will know it when you see it. He will lie about most things and people. with absolutely no remorse. Family, friends (if he has any), even you. and worse, in my case, he lied about my children. I have just left such an unscrupulous man. And he is unscrupulous. If you have hints and suspicions, please think twice. You will likely be verbally abused continuously. I have strong self-esteeem, but it did take me two years to finally break down. He constantly accused me of being stubborn; I used to say principaled. Well, thankfully, I was one of those! He does not do well with anyone who is not submissive to him. and it gets worse…. he is explosive, unbridled, always right. PLEASE take responsibility for yourself and let him go. He is tremendously charming and you may well love him. It is not worth it. Cry and get past it. You will be healthier and happier :)

    • Peace247 says:

      Hi Debbie, thank you for your comment. I agree wholeheartedly! Let it go now…….the longer you stay the harder he makes it in the end.

    • Velveeta says:

      Amen! It’s hard to move from victim to person holding the power, but it CAN be done. And we’re all better people for doing it!

      Good for you!

      Velveeta

  12. Velveeta says:

    Hi. I have just extricated myself from a 15 month relationship with a sociopath, the last year of which we were living together. We met on an online dating site and had a whirlwind romance. His profile was so great – he was new to Los Angeles, he came here to oversee the care of his elderly grandma, was well educated- a MA from a great southern university. Intelligent, handsome, well spoken, funny, charming, the kind of guy that everyone liked! Right. He had a couple of crummy jobs that I never could figure out. Why would such an intelligent, capable guy be working below his capacity? Well… He moved in kind of organically. I live in a nice apartment, right in a Marina and am a successful businesswoman. So I ended up paying for most everything. We grew closer and closer, and I really fell in love! He met all of my friends, family, coworkers, clients, everyone! Everyone loved him and was so happy to see how much we were in love. Right. I work close by, so I let him use my car sometimes while I was at work. And of course, I let him use my car to go visit his grandma in the valley. I mean, who would begrudge a good guy like him seeing his 97 year old grandma??!! Well, I caught him an a couple of small lies. A red flag, yes, but fairly insignificant. I brushed the worry away. We were so happy. Then I noticed that he had driven to some far away and inexplicable locations in my car. When I questioned him, he denied going to those places. Uh oh. I told him that my GpS doesn’t lie, but he still denied, denied, denied. Our relationship grew strained, as I was on to him, but couldn’t figure out why he was driving to these places one time only that were far away. Then my co-worker got an email to forward to me. A woman that he was “seeing” over the summer, while living with me, who he had dumped, was pissed off and wanted to take him down. The email called him cheating and scandalous, and said that he told her that he was “living with his grandma in the marina.” uh oh. If he told me that he was visiting grandma, and he was really with her, and he told her that he lived with grandma and couldn’t talk to her at night (because he was with me), then where was grandma??!! After I kicked him out and did some investigating, I discovered that EVERYTHING about him was fake!! Made up. Bullshit. His past, his family, his parents tragic death in an accident when he was 15, his education, the fact that he and his ex-wife never had kids (he has two), the fact that his ex was dead (she was suing him for child support) and most of all the fact that his grandma doesn’t exist were mind blowing. And devastating. Once I realized that he was a sociopath, I cut all ties. But I am having a hard time getting on the other side of it all! It could have been worse. Much worse! He left without incident, and he is 6’5″ and 270 lbs! And has been leaving me alone (because he is onto his next conquest) so hopefully, I have seen the last of him! But it doesn’t make it any easier to come to grips with the fact that I was in love with a man who doesn’t exist. That i shared a bed with him for over a year. That I thought he was my best friend. He was so supportive when my mom passed away. All fake. He is a predator and a parasite, and every compelling thing on his profile was a lie. Deliberately crafted to attract a certain type of woman. Ok .. That’s my story. Any insight is most welcome!

    Velveeta

    • Peace247 says:

      Dear Velveeta,
      I understand. It is exactly like you said – you were in love with a man who doesn’t exist. It’s hard to come to grips with, especially if you invested in the relationship for a long period of time and shared what you thought was intimacy and personal information. Your whole reality becomes skewed because no one wants to believe they could be so “foolish”, “blind”, “naive”, etc, etc, etc.

      I can offer to you that you are lucky he has moved on and does not bother you. Don’t be surprised if he calls sometime in the future though, to see if he can reel you back in. If he does, do not answer!

      As far as insight……..that’s a tough one. It takes time to rebuild yourself and believe in yourself again. Learn to trust your instincts and do background checks. I know it seems extreme but if it makes you feel more secure, do it. Trust who you are. It’s very hard to explain to counselors, or friends, or family. And finding someone who truly knows what a sociopath is and how they operate is difficult. I have felt less alone by reading about other’s experiences on this site. I appreciate all who respond and share their stories.

      Good luck to you, Jen

  13. Donna Joiner says:

    Don’t stop. 10 years ago same thing. Went through it. Now March 2013 again. Stop it by the law/legal. I beleve in you. I was in court yesterday and my 2 boys are safe. Now contempt of my DVI and extension. Then divorce ASAP, now. Crazy happened too long. And, life is too short. Trust your feeling and prove it. East to say hard to do. dmjjoiner@gmail.com

  14. Blair says:

    Wow, I can only say that falling on this subject and reading up on it has given me a great sense of relief. The only thing missing in the definition of a sociopath, was my brothers picture. The only thing I am struggling with now is replacing the idea the I am a complete social misfit as per mainly my mothers point of view in discrediting me while defending my brothers behavior. I am wondering if I could be so unlucky as to determine that my own mother is to some degree a sociopath herself. She has displayed several traits as described in the definition in so far as drama, self- centeredness, as well as a virtual lack of any genuine sense of affection for her children. This has caused me tremendous pain throughout the years, and even though after much forcefulness on the subject of our family dynamics; she has at least verbalized her affection but I still don’t believe it. My father is a very forceful presence in his own right and his genuineness seems real, but his allegiance is strongly siding with my mother if the subject is of the toxic nature of the family dynamics. What are your thoughts on a balance of what is healthy for someone who is a victim under these circumstances when the only real viable option presented in dealing with a sociopathic person is to stay away from them.

    • Peace247 says:

      Dear Blair,
      It is a relief to finally find something that validates your experience, I agree! It’s possible your mom is a sociopath as well as your brother. Statistically speaking, there is a greater percentage of a child being one, when there is a parent that is one.

      My thoughts on a healthy balance……..you won’t find any balance or any healthy relationship when dealing with a true sociopath. They are not genuine in any sense of the word. It is best to avoid them at all costs. I understand how difficult that can be when it is your family member(S), but your own sanity and health has to be priority.

      Take care and thank you for reading!

    • Kath says:

      Dear Blair,

      I have the same problem…but it’s my older sister. She actually told me a few years ago that for as long as she ca remember, she’d been finding ways to put me down and break my relationships down with others. Prior to her telling me that, she had me believing we were best friends. However, since telling me, I’ve reflected on many, many awful things which have happened in the past. Now, she has managed to isolate me from the rest of the family. I am being made to look like the ‘fruit loop’ when it’s actually she who is.

      Is so tempting to tell you everything but it is too long. Needless to say, I came to the conclusion that my mother has sociopathy in her too. Very cold and lets people treat me like dirt, not just standing back and letting them, she actually joins them. This probably sounds like nothing much. As above, won’t bore you by going into fine details.

      I decided to cut ties with mum too now. Has been a very difficult thing to do because I have always been extremely devoted and loving with mum. Mum has ultimately betrayed, insulted and provoked me into cutting ties. Although it feels very, very sad, it also feels surprisingly ‘right’. I can’t believe how right it actually feels.

      Would love to chat more with you about our mothers. My father was like yours too. He was a forceful man, more emotionally warm than mum and my sister but his loyalty to mum meant he always sided with her. However, a few weeks before he died, he opened up to me about how unemotional mum is and how he’d tried so hard to elicit love from her. He was also starting to be suspicious about my sister. I can’t help but wonder if she finished his life off??? Seems odd that he should die just after starting to question her honesty.

      I’m sort of only joking about that???

      Sooooo, now I consider myself without any family at all. By the way, I’m a really gentle, loving type of person. Not going around looking for fights with people. They say that sociopaths hone in on people like me…genuine, decent people. Should take it as a compliment!!!

      Please email me more if you’d like to chat.

      Kath xx

  15. margaret says:

    A year on from a breakup of 13 yr relationship and I am still struggling. Any ideas on how to move on? yes he is a sociopath and he did move onto someone else immediately who surprise surprise was younger, skinnier, prettier and richer. The last part probably the most important. She is socialiate material with high profile friends and boy does he ‘love’ her. I know how it is going – treating her like a goddess, fantastic expensive weekends away and overseas trip, etc etc etc. Been there done that. And i can say much of what I am about her because I know her quite well. The lazy sod didn’t even go looking for his next victim. He just tagged onto one that he already knew through me. B……D

    Yeah my story same as many others. Abuse, financial ruin, humiliation etc etc etc. Can’t be bothered dredging it all up. Have tried counsellors and failed. Tired of talking with friends and family who just really do not get it. If I hear one more sweeping statement of ‘just get over it and move on’ I swear I will scream.

    We have a 7yr old son so I cannot do the No Contact thing. This monster of a man is in my life forever. And he won’t leave me alone despite her being a far better option that I was. I am just plan B in case Plan A (her) comes unstuck. Like a fool I have run after him and told him plainly I would have him back – because well you know – I think I love (or loved)him and of course I have been after such a long period of time become utterly conditioned by him and in response to him. He knows my weak points and still exploits them.

    yeah I know – I am a fool and I have allowed myself to be humiliated. I have just finally woken up and seen the truth of what a monster he is. That is not my issue. What is my issue and problem is the future. I cannot ignore him – we have shared child care. He will not leave me alone. We share contacts via Facebook so I see their new life all the time yet why should I cut my world off just to avoid theirs. Anyway theirs is quite public and this morning I open the newspaper to see their picture in the society pages. I cannot escape.

    But I need to find a way forward so any sensible suggestions appreciated. Sensible being other than ‘no contact’ ‘don’t open the paper’ ‘don’t go on social media’ ‘move from the city’ and ‘get over it’. Trust me people – none of those wash nor are they practical. I do not see why I should move from my home town – I have already lost my home to the p…k because he wouldn’t move even tho I owned it. I do not see why I should drop off the radar just because of him and there is no reason for not to be able to read the paper or socialise. Already I actively do not socialise in the same places they do and I organise stealthily to ensure we do not cross paths in holiday locations.

    What a ridiculous way to live. Anyone got any help because actually I am pretty messed up at the moment.

  16. CountryChic says:

    I understand completely were u are coming from.. I was married to a sociopath for 12 years but I finally had enough….however, I then met this guy and all the attention and excitement he gave me overpowered any wrong thing he did…. Actually things got worse and if you,be ever heard the phrase “Kicked around like a stray dog”…. Then that was my experience with the new fiancé….here is my advice to you….if someone doesn’t live and appreciate who you are the first time…. They will not the second time…. I know you have connections with this man with your child but remember this “No one person defines who you are! There will come a day when you will be like “wow, what was I thinking and what was I waiting for….I think the worst abuse on a human being us us as the victim allowing ourselves to be physically, verbally, and emotionally abused! Also, you can’t make a wrong out of a right no matter what the situation…. Peace! Talk with God….He is the only peace we can ever have!

  17. Kath says:

    Hi to Blair,

    It’s been 5 months since I saw my mother. My sociopathic sister got my mother to write/sign pages and pages of legal documents saying she only wants my sister and brother in charge of her affairs.

    This was after I successfully won a guardianship tribunal hearing where it was ruled that mum’s affairs be in neutral hands with NONE of us having access to her money.

    My sister didn’t like the ruling at all. So, she hired (at mum’s expense) 5 lawyers to appeal the ruling. I had no legal representation at all. I’m just an average working Australian, people like me cant afford lawyers.

    Anyway, I was trying to protect mum’s finances from the recklesss, heartlessness of my sister and brother.

    To me, mum said she totally understood me wanting to be on equal footing with my siblings. Said I must ‘stand my ground’. However, when it came to it, mum sided with them. She’s done that soooooo often over very, major betrayals. It doesnt matter what my siblings do to me, mum ALWAYS stands back and lets them, even commending them. Plus, she says one thing to me, then another thing when my siblings are around. Makes me look like a complete fool.

    So, have cut myself off completely. Poor mum, I was the most engaged in her life. I did everything for her in a very non-pushy way. I’m not a pushy person at all. People always used to comment how she and I look like best friends. They were right although I was her best friend, she wasn’t mine.

    If your mother signed pages of documents saying she only wanted your siblings and only you in the background as long as you weren’t causing a problem, would you continue to give and give and give to her.

    Mum is trying to patch things up with me but not by acknowledging the deep betrayals. Instead, she’s implying I’m being cruel and unforgiving. Refuses to take any responsibility.

    Sorry to be rambling on . Have had a really bad nights sleep thinking and thinking and thinking.

    Kath

  18. S says:

    WOW, my live-in boyfriend is a sociopath. We have been together for 5 years and he has been verbally abusive the entire time and shows no apathy or empathy, is never wrong and shows no emotion or interest in life or future and extremely negative and argumentive… but because of the passive aggressive way he abuses and him honestly believing he is right, I started to make excuses for him and thought maybe I caused the abuse somehow..UNTIL this last time yelling at me in front of a friend for no apparent reason. I have just decided that I am not gonna allow him to publicly embarrass me any longer in front of family & friends anyone and accept his covert attics and ignoring my needs for compassion and healthy communication. It’s been over a month and we are still living together,but I don’t talk to him. I have started going out on my own and have completely cut him off financially. no eating out/carry out, if he dont cook he dont eat and no money for gas in the vehicle I gave him to use. Just waiting on him to get fed-up enough to leave, maybe he to crazy to leave, but at least he aint bothering me anymore. So far he just stays in the basement on xbox, eating anything he can find around the house. I just keep busy with friends and work and stay focused on my goals as if I live alone. THANKS FOR THE INSPIRATION EVERYONE

  19. Sue says:

    Im not sure if they ever leave if they still have food.lol Im not sure why as women we put up with that shit.I did it for bout 14 years.Im done with all that I finally have peace in my life but Im scared to death to date .Im afraid of the same shit repeating itself,although I have changed alot I fear the repeat.:)

  20. Donna says:

    I have a question. Would a male sociopath relocate from the East Coast to the West Cost to be with his “love”? He would be leaving a company he has been with for 17 years. He is interviewing with companies on the West Coast but I just have my doubts about his complete follow through with accepting the job offer and relocation if offered the job. I’m not positive if he is a sociopath but I have my suspicions. I dated a for sure sociopath in the past, but not all of the characteristics are the exact same although some are similar. I’m scared that I’m being over protective of my heart due to my past experience, but then again…they say listen to your instincts. I love him so much but if I have to walk away to protect myself I will.

    • Peace247 says:

      Dear Donna ~ The shortest answer I can give you is to listen to yourself. It seems you already have some indication of what your instincts are telling you, now you just have to trust yourself. If the red flags are there, even subtly, do not ignore them. Some questions that come to mind are – How long have you known him that he would be willing to leave a long term job/life? What is his relationship history (you have a right to do a background check)? How long ago was the relationship you had with a sociopath?

      I hope you take the time you need and listen to your inner voice. Best to you, Jen

  21. Glynis Weeks says:

    Yes – I am married and in love with my husband of 9 months – he had been “told he had bipoar- more recently after a violent assault on me that had me hospitalised for 5 days – requiring surgery – I insisted he seek alterior advice and go on medication – and stop drinking – he was diagnosed with Anti Social Personality Disorder – I now see – as I have needed to educate myself on this – and maintain a non judgemental approach – his lacking in remorse, compassion and the capacity to show any emotive responses at all – tragic – as I managed to continue and forgive through prior acts of violence – he now faces charges of assault with intent to cause grievous bodily harm – as this seems to have exacerbated his detachment – I love him – and do not judge him and honestly have forgiven – the seriousness of this last assault and the psychological assaults on me thereafter have been horendious – his drinking increased and gambling enormous amounts of money –
    I have decided that I need to pursue with these charges – its not about “the lesson” – but its the right thing to do as he has rejected advice from his psychiatrist – and dabbles in his medication , when he remembers or is sober –
    He now seems more cruel and detached with me than ever –
    Its a horrible situation – as I love and respect him, the person – I wonder what is true and what is not – what he has lied about and did he ever love me ? Interesting to note I became his co offender by letting this go and absorbing his fallout –
    I’m healing – sad and somewhat detached – perhaps Cynical about “love” –
    Divorce him ? No – I believe in our sanctity of marriage – and know ionherently he is a very fine man – but I have to follow through with these charges and accept what he receives –
    What a mess –
    Your thoughts to my email would be greatly appreciated –
    Regards from South Africa
    Glynis

    • Peace247 says:

      Dear Glynis,
      Wow, you have been through a lot. I will share my thoughts with you because you requested it but I want to urge you to follow your own heart after you really research what the term “Anti Social Personality Disorder” means and what it will mean for you. I’m sure you already have a good general idea.
      First, I admire your values and your belief in the sanctity of marriage. With that said I would venture to say that when you marry a sociopath you aren’t entering into a marriage based on trust, honesty, mutual love, respect, positive regard, etc. That’s because a sociopath is not capable of these things (only of masking them). The person you thought you were marrying doesn’t actually exist. It can be difficult to comprehend or accept.
      Second, even if your husband were not diagnosed as he is, you do NOT deserve to be treated with such disregard, disrespect, and with such violence. It’s wrong. I’m very glad to hear there will be charges filed and I hope the consequences are what they should be.
      Third, I sincerely hope there are not children being exposed to the violence and the mistreatment of their mother. When children are exposed to these types of environments and behaviors they have a higher chance of repeating and/or attracting more of the same as adults.
      Please read all that you can and seek out support (here and in your community). You deserve to live in peace…………..Jen

  22. kim says:

    Hi,
    I am a lesbian who met a married woman 6 years ago at a job and became friends and she subsequently came on to me 3 years later. We started a relationship and she did have her husband move out and started divorce proceedings. However I had caught her in lies able big and little things which would cause me to become angry and cut off the relationship. However she would wiggle her way back and we would repeat the cycle. This last year we were apart for one year. She broke it off because of my vicious tongue she said, moved the husband back in. In October she resurfaced proclaiming her undying love and how Im the only person she ever loved and thinks about me daily. This time she said she is getting the divorce in a few months but made up lies and had disappearing acts already. I then contacted her husband to question the divorce. I was shocked to hear there was not a divorce on the table and that her business was failing and a ton of other lies. He did not appear too upset to find out she had been seeing me again and started asking me about other men he thought she may be seeing. My question is why do these sociopaths keep coming back? What could she want? I told her I sent all our textes to her husband that incriminate her and she was livid, then telling me to leave her and her husband alone. I never call or reach out to her when we stop seeing each other. I dont understand all this behavior. She has children as well as I. How long was this lie going to go on about the divorce? Do they fear getting caught?

    • Peace247 says:

      Dear Kim,
      I know how hard it is. The back and forth can be “crazy making” and it will go on as long as you allow it to. Why do sociopaths come back? Because it’s all a part of a game to them. If this other woman is a sociopath this won’t change. As difficult as it is, your best option is to end all contact if possible, especially for the kids’ sake. Do they fear getting caught? Not likely, a true sociopath is incapable of feeling very much but they enjoy wreaking havoc in the lives of others. Thanks for coming to this site and feel free to come back for support.

  23. Jayme says:

    I’m currently going through a divorce with a sociopath. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me for years and it turned physical 5 months ago when he raped me. He blames me for everything, he’s even blamed the rape on me. We have a 4 year old daughter together, he sees her every other weekend and something I’ve noticed is that she comes home very fussy and confused, and after a few days with me, she’s very well behaved and easy to get along with. He gaslights, he was sexually abusive to his sister when he was 9 and she was 6 and then he was sexually abused by a cousin from age 9 to 15. I was a stay at home mom for the last 3 years and completely under his control. I was finally able to leave but don’t have the resources for a legal fight. We have agreed on everything for the divorce so it’s been peaceful for the most part, but only because everything is his way. He threatens to take it to court if I don’t give in to him. I am very lost and confused and what can I expect for the next several years? He’s going to always be in my daughter’s life. He’s managed to turn my family against me except for 3 relatives. He’s very conniving and manipulative yet everyone likes him because he’s so smooth. He makes me out to be the crazy one. I know I’m dealing with a sociopath. It’s made it easier to deal with things because I realize what he is, and I can somewhat protect myself, but it’s still scary.

  24. Pharos says:

    Well having established that my Father is a psychopath I decided to confront him with his past abusive and manipulative behaviour by letter.
    He has written back saying that he will not read the parts which are unpleasant, (and are only so because they are descriptions of his wrong doing), because he has been advised not to do anything unpleasant.
    So he will just live in denial. If I report his behaviour to the Police, they either will or will not interview him, and I think he will deny it all anyway. The result almost certainly would be that I lose inheritance.
    I am at a loss to countenance doing wrong to someone, and then pretending I did not, and then asserting in my mind that the wronged person is really in some way faulty.

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