Red Flag You’re in a Relationship with a Sociopath

Watch for Red Flags

Watch for Red Flags

There were many subtle red flags in the beginning and then, as time went on, there were some pretty blatant red flags that there was something very wrong with this person and this “relationship”.  I found a bank statement laying on the table among some other mail and picked it up to read it.  I didn’t really think twice about picking it up and reading it because by this time he and I were supposedly sharing some expenses and the statement was left out in the open.  I think on some level I had some suspicions by then as well and wanted to reassure myself that, either I was wrong, or I was right.

One thing I noticed right away about this bank statement was the number of over drafts.  There wasn’t just one, which happens occasionally to the best of us.  There were at least five.  There were also some debit charges that made my heart drop.  The charges were to places listed that left no doubt as to what type of businesses they were.  I won’t write the names of the businesses but it was Very apparent they were adult-only places.  I was shocked and disgusted.

I was reeling for a few different reasons.  One major reason was because Mr. Toxic was a self-professed alcoholic with six years sobriety (something I admired).  Another reason is because these places that were listed on the bank statement were not merely strip clubs, they were icky, nasty places where I’m sure more than stripping occurs.  My own personal feeling about strip clubs are varied.  I think they are degrading to women in general but I also don’t think a man going to one every once in a very great while (for instance a bachelor party) is a deal breaker.

I did confront Mr. Toxic because I wanted the truth.  I wanted the truth about the financial situation as this is something that would affect me directly at some point.  I wanted the truth about the charges to the “icky places”.  Red flag – he started off by getting defensive right away.  I explained my need for honesty and the importance of financial integrity (particularly given he was on probation and had a criminal history of crimes related to money).

SIDE NOTE – As I write this I am feeling so stupid.  In retrospect everything was so obvious and yet I didn’t see what was in front of my face.  I wanted so much to believe in the ideal, in second chances, in the capability of change, etc.

He was and is VERY good at talking his way around and through confrontation about his behavior.  He convinced me that the bank charges were an error on the banks’ part and they were already rectified, which would show on the next statement.  He even went so far as to ask if I wanted to go to the bank with him so I could talk to them myself.  The “icky place” charges?  Well, that was part of the banks error.  They had mixed up his account with another person by the same name.  “Going to those places is part of my past,” he said.

He had acted like a virtuous gentleman when we first started seeing each other, stating he didn’t want to just jump into bed with me.  Wow, no pressure to have sex?  I thought (at that time) he was being respectful.  So, surely he was telling the truth about having no desire to go to strip clubs.

To sum it up, lies regarding finances and meaningless sex with women who exploit their bodies, are HUGE red flags that you are dealing with a sociopath.  It’s the lying, which comes so easy.  It’s the complete lack of financial responsibility, which is sometimes hard to figure out for a while.  It’s the complete disregard and respect for women (or even other men) and the continuous use of sex with prostitutes/exotic dancers/strippers to gratify their own needs while dehumanizing those they use.

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4 Responses to Red Flag You’re in a Relationship with a Sociopath

  1. Flashback says:

    This takes me back about 20 years. My then-husband had a ‘friend from high school’ who ‘danced’ at a local strip club. She liked his flashy car (which he HAD to have) and wanted to dance on stage with it. (I have no idea if that was true, but I didn’t question it. Wasn’t allowed to). He drove it there for several weeks so she could. Then they started ‘mountain biking’ and ‘rollerblading’ together. I couldn’t do it – I was home with an infant. He couldn’t understand why I was upset about it. Fast forward a couple years, when I found the same kind of images on his computer. And hidden bills. Shut off notices. And a padlocked duffle bag full of ‘self-help’ aids, if you know what I mean. It took me about another year to get out. It’s now been about 15 years of struggles through the courts because of the kids, but I’ve mostly been able to protect them (he has no physical custody, and when they were younger, had limited visitation with them). It took years for me to realize that I WASN’T CRAZY. What you’ve said about projection in another post is absolutely true – I could always tell what he was up to because of what he accused me of doing. It’s draining. When the kids ask why I can’t be flexible with him, I can’t just say, “Because your father is a sociopath and this is truly in your best interest.” The wild stories? Oh, my. Hollywood can’t come up with some of the stuff he does. (Although, he does claim to have contacts there, too. And with politicians. Why, oh, why did I ever let him go?) I have limited most contact with him first to email, and now to a court-ordered subscription platform that works as a database. Even now, though, he balks at that as often as he can. I can tell you, I’m exhausted. I’ve tried, for the whole of my children’s lives, to give them as ‘normal’ a life as possible, to show them what GOOD people are like. I’ve never gotten into another relationship because I don’t trust anyone. For a long time I hid in my home. Some of it was shame, some was for protection, some was because I just didn’t want to be seen (well, and there was this whole thing with him driving by all the time, too. I moved to a different city and was at peace for a couple years, until he moved to the same city. And rented a house down the street from me. Fortunately, that only lasted a couple years until he was evicted).

    • Peace247 says:

      Dear Flashback,
      I understand exactly what you are saying. You are absolutely right, it is very exhausting! The shame and self protection are very familiar. It’s so much harder when children are involved.

      I would be interested to hear about the “court ordered subscription platform” for communication. I don’t know what that is, but sounds like a good option.

      Don’t forget to take care of yourself, you deserve it!

    • Marie says:

      How can I get a court to see they are not fixable!!! I have criminal case coming up advice! What to say!!!!!! Please

  2. Ami lost says:

    my narcissistic and compulsive liar sociopatihic..
    I didn’t understand at all at first I wondered what happened but I actually studied mental health issues for and that’s why am really upset at myself and I knew and emotional abuse and physical abuse but I didn’t know I have been stuck city I don’t know anybody and I don’t have anybody and I don’t have anywhere to go and I don’t know how to get help because I’m pretty sure retarded because I you not have any close family and the family that I did have hee hee he separated me from them he couldn’t separate me from them he so he made huge problems and now I’m going through identity theft and he’s using my accounts to do disgusting things to make it seem like I’m the one he actually had me trapped in his apartment while he went and liedin court to get a protection order against me for Island after he jumped in the window a couple times punched me through a television I can even move my left arm for 4 days..bruises everywhere the police came, they said it was not for me for him that he called but I was just on the phone than on one later I found out actually I wasn’t he was having my phone forwarded my calls rerouted and there’s no call record on my T-Mobile bill that I finally have control of of me calling but there is a lot lot of fraudulent activity and basically almost every account that I have an eye I don’t know I know what I need to do but I can’t I don’t don’t I don’t know how to leave right now and I don’t have any pain help me this really is terrifying and is really odd to read the stories and see the same exact thing that you’re going through other people tohave gone through and still will go through and the feeling of hopelessness and nobody listening because he’s so manipulative and he’s so he’s such a perfectionist any so good at it because he has no human emotions and no guilt he’s actually put me into debt, and I have been documenting everything but anything about it and the police they don’t understand that you know they keep talking to me like I’m stupid I can go get a restraining order okay if it was that easy I would have one!! It’s kind of hard when you are with paranoid narcissistic psychotic abusive person who monitors your every activity 24 hours a day and even though he sees that you’re not doing anything and surprised because she wants to find something so he put stuff in my nameput terrible things and says terrible things prostitution and I’m a prostitute and I am drug addict and I am crazy and bipolar even though I’ve never in my life been diagnosed with bipolar I have panic attacks because I also had a very narcissistic mother who actually never loved me at all that she loved me untilfirst time when I was in my late teens early 20s and that was just because she needed someone she was going through something but you know I love her of course she’s my mother but she’s very very damaging my life so I have to keep my distance from her and unfortunately I didn’t do that enough and everything that my mother has done to lie about me and make problems in my lifeThe reason I had to keep this guy has done and he’s used actually pretty much everything he found out that my mother lied about and he is that against me not one shred of proof God I just can’t believe how , what is wrong with me?? My mother so you know I knew when I was six or seven that I was pretty much on my own and I had to watch out for my own self one of my brothers actually almost exactly like her and the other one has another psychiatric disorder the only one that doesn’t end but I do a panic attack I stopped for a while because I got control of them and control of everything Life is always been very independent and I’ve never been in an abusive relationship before but I did help others get out of themI had no idea theylooked like that he is like somebody that should be locked up ..things that he says ..girls ..dead bodies..omg I’m so disgusted and I feel so stupid for loving

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